Silly girl. Again

Silly, silly girl. There's not much more to say. The one word "Silly" describes it more than I would want. I've messed up. Again. Such a huge suprice, since I'm writing in here.

Remember those times when you feel just crap, and then suddenly remember some silly and plain stupid thing you have done in your life? This might be too personal. But then, since no one know's who I really am, and is probably reading this like Jones' diary, it does not really mean anything, does it?

I've lied to my teachers. Once. I mean, not a small lie like 'I didn't have that paper because I was so upset with my boyfriend'. Since that could really be true. And as they have seen, I get upset not that easily, as far as they know, so they have no reason to believe I'm lying. Never trust me in the boyfriend stuff, teachers!

I've lied to my friends. This sound stupid, but at that time I believed I had to make myself more interesting for them. Now I think, if they don't see who I really am inside and I have to make up something for them, then they are not worth it. If they say to me I'm beautiful only with make-up or they are ashamed to be with me when I have somekind of clothes on me which do not suit their needs, then it's too bad. 'Nice meeting you, now get out of my life'-style.

I have fallen for my every single one best friend. And since they all have been boys, it's supposed to be normal. What is not normal, that we have broken off before I have been able to confess my undying love for them. Which is good, because it's so horrible. So, I have fallen for every single one. Which leads me to my point: now, my lovely best friend.. A guy. guess how my thought continues? exactly.

I adore my best friend too much. And that he live's on the other side of the lake and has a girlfriend does not really do any better for me. I'm his buddie, one of the guys.

I think.. I think I should not tell about my horrific parties we have been on. Finding him in a closet with a girl and the having to talk with him how good she was is not nice. Not at all.

-E

Spain

My friend called me the other day and told me she had (for the first time of her life, I may assume) crushed madly in likening with a Spanish boy. The first words I told her? "Welcome to hell, my friend. But I'm still very happy about it."

She, herself, said that it probably would not last. That probably he would find a better one or she would not share the same feelings in few weeks, maybe even months. If something is sad, then that's that. Nowadays, if we crush/fall in love, we constantly think about "will it last"? or "will he cheat?". That leads me to the Questions "Why?" and "What does it even matter?". Why do we even care? Is it the young age of Romeo&Juliet that leads us to the worry of age and lasting? What if Juliet had been twentyfive-- or-or, fourty four? Would everything be different? Should misleaded human beings accuse Shakespeare for all that crap?

But I really want to know, is why. Why does it even matter, if it does not last? Can't we enjoy the moment, live on the wave? Is it because of our weaknesses? Because we are scared of letting go?

-Ellen

She and He is a Them?

The school's starting in few days.. And my parents are off, as well as my friends are. So on one side, I have the whole house to myself, but then.. There's nothing I could do. Because, let's face it, it is somehow pathetic to sit alone in a house when no one is around, and trying to have fun. Drink? It seems to be called Alcoholic Problem nowadays to drink alone without a heartbreak or some friends around one. I don't really dare to go outside now, for there are those classmates of mine there (pathetic, I know.) and staying inside is just strange. So now I'm deciding what to do.. And I have no freaking idea. :D Just my luck, to have this opportunity and not use it.

I have been sitting on the balcony the whole day now.. Right after I bid my good- byes to my dearest parents. Taste the sarcastic flow, now will you? :) Oh just don't. It could possibly ruin your affections towards me. If there are even any.

Anyways, I thought that I might try to do some Ginger Ale now, since I have nothing to do (shush, everyone forgets about repeating last years stuff to this year of miserable school life, and no one has to remember any books which we were given to read during the summer..)

and have some time to use now. And then I had those few things to cook. For example, I found this pretty amazing salad, and a pie.. Oh, I just have to do it.. :D

This is just boring. And now it's raining outside.. :P Why am I even writing this? :)

Now, I know what to do- I will write here stuff out of my Black Book! Before you will laugh, I want to say this: This is pure insanity. What if someone will someday recognize me.. Let's say, it happens. I do then this: pack up my stuff, change my name and move to another side of the country. Easy.

1.8.2010

She and he is Them?

I spent the whole day with her. And guess what she's talking about? Him.

Now, let me explain. I care about her. Much. After all, we've been friends like forever- yeah, for me eleven years is forever. Now, after my long waiting, she's fallen in madly likeness. (I don't know what Love is, do I?) She madly likes him, spends nearly every second thinking about him, talking about him. I hope he won't do the Facebook Follower's Test. She would be completely ruined. Humiliated.

After all this long telling, can we (me and me from the future, btw hi!) assume that they are in a relationship?

Relationship? Yeah.

Romantic one? Kinda.

What the hack does that mean? Yep. No idea. Is a romantic relationship something where they snog&care? Because these do care. Not snog. As far as I know, if they would, she would come jumping out of joy to me. This mysterio is surely getting deeper. He calls her from 1000miles, she talks all night with him on phone. She wants to get some fresh air after school, he tramps with her all around the town and lake, catches cold (no shit, Sherlock. Freaking six hours outside without a jacket in cold!) in the middle of the big exams week. In school they don't identify each other. Strolling beside each other like anything would matter. And then cursing and blushing.

Someone tell me, is there a THEM?

Now. This is it. I made it. :)

-E.

P.s. yeap. Def Ginger Ale tomorrow.. :D

Summer

Ho. Now I really feel bad. Not about this blog, just what happened few days ago. But enough about it.

My Summer.. Has been really good. It's still not too hot, so my job at the flowermarket is still ok. Just that I never actually thought that roses were so damnly annoying. You know, carrying them all the freaking time around to find out to which of those idiots it was ordered is not funny. Just not at all. Yeah. My work buddies aren't that special. Just bunch of idiots. And me with those "champagne" roses fit in just too perfectly. The worst part? Watching how my classmates humble around and watch for the perfect flowers for their special one's. And I'm standing there next to my boss all smiley whiney because I have to, daaa, that's my job. Guess how many times a guy can change his mind in about half an hour? And how many kinds of flowers he wants to see just to say in the end- "The champagne roses will be fine to my hon". Welcome to my life.

I've been so fed up with outer world that I've gone shopping nearly every weekend. If we forget those necessary trips to grandma and grandpa, who think that I'm not doing anything important nowadays. As if I did anything important when I was twelve. What I've bought? Cd:s. Dresses. Shorts. Lots of shoes. Skirts. Amazing- now I have so many things to the whole next year that I won't be shopping anytime soon. At least not in a year.

I really think I will be waiting for the university time when I will be out of this place. More than ever.

Photos of Miself

Hi!

I know, I know. With adding these I am actually getting so bloggy it has no sence at all. But. Anyway, these are few photos I made with my old camera I told about. It's pretty huge, if I think about it. Just that if you would have seen how many photos were just crap. (no even crappy. Sad.)

The photo (up) was so easy to shoot.. Just not. The sun was just going down, remember, I shot these in april, and I was freezing. Plus, I was actually amazed: these places are not a common knowledge. Naah, everyone knows about these routes, but never uses them. So that thursday after everything crappy at school, I walked at the lake and met nearly half of the town. Scary.
The lake is amazing. Sometimes when new ones see it, they can't believe it is just a lake, nothing else. And it is beautiful!
These two (up ad down) are my favorites. The lightning (photo under) is maybe one of my best. And just the idea (Up, even though nearly everyone before me has done a photo like this) was brilliant. Just that it was a pure accident, the kid and his dad.
So.. Now I have shown my fab pictures. I*m tired. Heading towards the bed now, I guess..

-Ellen.

Note to myself

I was hanging out with my friends, and one of them actually asked me if I was a model. No, I mean.. I don't really know her so much. We met for the first time that day, really. But I was so pleased with what she said.. I started to think about it. What if I was really a model? Not like Kate Moss or something, but a model who gets paid what- just a little? But imagine what I could do with all that money! For example.. I could possibly buy a new camera, or new clothes!

Just that I could never ever tell any of my friends. Maybe one or two, but not a single more. They would laugh. And what would it even bring? Laughter from the whole school. (in our everyone knows everything. Like last week: one very sweet pair broke up, and in fifteen minutes one of my friends came laughing to class: Lisa and David broke up! Isn't that funny? I always knew Lisa was such a bitch!" And I sit on my chair like: poor them.) So in our school there is no privacy whatsoever. Aanyway. I guess there is no point at all. I'm not that pretty like a model should be, I guess. Oh, well. But the idea was pretty. Ha! I could imagine my parents watching some tv-show, and then someone calls them like: "What has your daughter been doing last times?" And they are:" Oh, we're so proud of her: she's got a boyfriend, at last!" And then that person who's calling says: "Oh that's what you think, really? Well, watch this website, she's a model now! How shameful!" And my dad would stand up and tell me everything he thinks about me humiliating them, and even mum would be ashamed. Oh, I'd be so happy. *dreamy*

But well. I searched for some modelling agencies, and the only ones we have here are.. Some random, nearly dead agency with three over fifty-years-old models. Female, of course. And as they say on their website: "No nude pictures for our girls!" Perfect. Okay, I'm on the same page with that no nude pics, but that they call themselves girls.. *horrified.*

Then there is a model agency where Sharon is. She's a very (oh, and remember: on this blog every single name is not real, I'm not that stupid to let anyone even guess my true identity..) popular girl in our region. Like .. with whom can I even compare her. Maybe with.. Anne Hathaway? A girl very pretty and oh so nice, her parents go to church every single sunday, pray so loud no one wants to know what they are not praying for.. okay, maybe I'm little overdoing it now. But she's just.. I don't know. Too perfect? And no, I'm not saying that Anne Hathaway would be so. But Sharon is. When she turns up at some boring school meeting our teachers sit more straight. Ha! I know who she might be alike. Know Footloose? The movie? Well, she could be that girl, the preachers daughter, dating a nice guy, but from the view of few single people, she's a moron. Sorry, Sharon. So.. Her modeling agency. It's big. It's famous. And it's owned by some of "Sharon's best friends families." As one of my friends says every time.

Maybe I should just forget about it.

Note to myself: never dream of something what you surely can't have. For example being a model.

I guess I don't have the guts to call or e-mail any agencies, because they might refuse me. And if not, they might want to take pictures. And then, on both sides, something would happen.

Shakespeare in Love

Hi!

Last thursday was one

of the weirdest thursdays in my life.

Accidently, I run into my friend

I long hadn't seen.

She lives in another town,

so it was a railwaysstation we met.

We sat there for hours.

On the bench spitten on

by every early teenage boy in town

we sat, and talked.

First it was about shopping,

the play in her school and then.

We came to the subject of Love.

I had always thought I knew a person well

if she or he was known to me

by the name, profession and the interests.

How one flirted, walked, talked

and behaved near the opposite sex.

But I knew nothing then.

She told me what she seeked,

in the area of Love,

and I told her mine.

There were thousands things

which neither of us knew ourself,

but by the moment we opened our mouths

the words, wishes, feelings and most secret dreams

were christal clear to both of us.

Quite possibly, I know,

I still don't know her as well as I do myself,

but in the end, who do we know as well?

In a mood of romance

I 'invested' in a lipstick called 'Blush in Romance'.

Kill me but I do not know by whom it was.

Just after that I went to a dvd-shop

(where they still sell vhs- how cute)

and still in the mood, bought the Shakespeare in Love.

Now I've watched it.

1998 it was made,

and a good movie indeed it is.

It is a movie of Shakespeares three weeks of love.

Three weeks of Love,

breathing at last,

after years of living dead.

He falls in Love, writes about it,

living in a dream which will soon end.

Yes, there is a trick-

no one will ever deny it now.

She's marrying a man of fortune,

not a poet with non-existing career.

And if we think about Shakespeare himself

what do we know about him?

Just what he wrote.

But even that will tell us enough.

He must have loved

or dreamed of love

for none of us humans can write anything

like he wrote

if not telling about himself

or a person he knew as well.

But maybe he was just never

in fortunes favours enough

to fall in love.

Oh dear. I feel like a parrot now. But since there are only few people who have written to me commenting anything I write here, it's okay. (I guess)

-Ellen